NEONVALE CROP TOP TRIGGERS LOCAL TIME LOOP
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NEONVALE CROP TOP TRIGGERS LOCAL TIME LOOP
Athleisure meets ontological regret in latest wardrobe malfunction
By Mercia Royale - 28/06/25
Nottingham, UK – A 22-year-old student has reportedly entered what observers are calling “a minor but persistent chrono-glitch” after wearing Mercia Royale’s Neonvale Interference Crop Top during a morning run that technically never ended.
Witnesses say the woman was last seen jogging through the campus science quad at 7:42 a.m., and then again at 7:42 a.m., and then again at 7:42 a.m.
“I waved the first time,” said third-year physics major Ryan Hall, “but by the fourth loop I just assumed it was part of an installation.”
The garment in question, a tight-fit long-sleeve crop top from the Lady Neonvale collection, boasts UPF 50+ solar shielding, a double-layered waist, and a tear-away label “for those allergic to permanence.” According to Mercia Royale, it’s designed for “movement and collapse, often simultaneously.”
University security was alerted after CCTV footage showed the same runner crossing the same patch of concrete exactly 73 times with increasingly existential posture. Attempts to intercept her failed; all personnel were reportedly overcome by “an oppressive feeling of déjà vu and citrus.”
Mercia Royale has issued a formal shrug via their usual communications channel: a haunted blog post that updates itself based on lunar tides.
“The Neonvale Interference Crop Top is not responsible for spiritual interference. That’s your job.”
Experts in metaphysical athletics suggest the garment’s recycled elastane may have interacted with ley lines beneath the gymnasium. Others blame the tear-away label, citing a known pattern of destabilisation when commitment is forcibly removed.
The crop top remains on sale. Mercia Royale now issuing a, "warning: Do not wear while reflecting on choices. Avoid recursive spaces. Stretch responsibly."
The student’s current status is unknown. Her fitness tracker continues to report “impossible gains.”
