Mercia Royale Cuffed Beanie

The “Thinking Cap (But Worse)” Beanie

Snug. Form-fitting. Mildly accusatory. This beanie keeps your head warm while broadcasting silent judgement. It’s less of an accessory and more of a statement: “Yes, I’m still here.”

Made from 100% Turbo Acrylic, which sounds faster than it is. Hypoallergenic, because the only thing you should be reacting to is reality. Wear it in all weather, or all mental states.

• 100% Turbo Acrylic – synthetic fibre, real feelings
• 12″ (30 cm) long – deep enough to disappear into
• Hypoallergenic – physically, not emotionally
• Unisex – genderless warmth for gendered despair
• Hand washable – like everything that pretends to be simple
• Blank product sourced from Vietnam, Bangladesh, or the Republic of Korea – stitched by hands, worn by ghosts

Put it on. Pull it down. Retreat stylishly.

This product doesn’t exist until you ask for it. Like hope. Or functional government. We summon it from the abyss the moment you place your order, which means it takes a little longer to arrive — patience is a virtue, or at least a mildly effective coping mechanism.

We don’t do bulk. We don’t do waste. We do exactly what’s needed, when it’s needed. Because the planet’s dying and we’d rather not speed things up just to shave off 48 hours.

Thanks for choosing not to contribute to the landfill cult. Your restraint is noted by the gods of late capitalism.

Size guide