Emo Water Stainless steel water bottle

Meet the Emo Water flask: 17 ounces of thermally regulated despair, engineered for those who like their drinks as emotionally unavailable as their ex. Hot or cold for six hours — because time is meaningless and so is temperature. Comes with a leak-proof, odourless cap (unlike you).

Take it to work, to the woods, or to your next existential crisis. Fits in a cup holder, or a void where ambition used to be.

• High-grade stainless steel, because feelings rust faster
• 17 oz (500 ml) — enough for hydration, never for healing
• Size: 10.5″ × 2.85″ (27 × 7 cm), slender like your sense of purpose
• Vacuum flask to trap warmth like you never could
• Double-wall construction, emotionally and structurally
• Shaped like a bowling pin — knock one down, nine more stand up
• Glossy finish for reflective breakdowns
• Cap: odourless, leak-proof, unlike your trauma
• Six hours of hot or cold — not that it matters
• ORCA coating for colours more stable than your mood
• Hand-wash only, like your delusions
• Sourced from China, like half your TikTok therapy advice

Disclaimer: Leaving water in it for more than 24 hours may lead to a smell. Just like ignoring your problems.

This product doesn’t exist until you ask for it. Like hope. Or functional government. We summon it from the abyss the moment you place your order, which means it takes a little longer to arrive — patience is a virtue, or at least a mildly effective coping mechanism.

We don’t do bulk. We don’t do waste. We do exactly what’s needed, when it’s needed. Because the planet’s dying and we’d rather not speed things up just to shave off 48 hours.

Thanks for choosing not to contribute to the landfill cult. Your restraint is noted by the gods of late capitalism.