Emo Water Cork-back coaster

Protect your furniture from emotional damage — or at least from mug stains. This cork-back coaster is the last line of defence between your existential tea and your haunted IKEA nightstand. Heat-resistant, waterproof, emotionally indifferent. Pairs well with overpriced coffee and late-night spirals.

Gift it to someone you tolerate, or keep it for yourself — because at least one thing in your life should have boundaries.

• Hardboard MDF (0.12″) — medium density, maximum despair
• Cork layer (0.04″) — softer than your last relationship
• High-gloss topcoat for that polished breakdown look
• Size: 3.74″ × 3.74″ × 0.16″ — exactly square, unlike you
• Rounded corners for emotional cushioning
• Water-repellent, heat-resistant, non-slip — everything you’re not
• Wipes clean like selective memory

Price is per piece. Buy one. Or don’t. Nothing matters.

This product doesn’t exist until you ask for it. Like hope. Or functional government. We summon it from the abyss the moment you place your order, which means it takes a little longer to arrive — patience is a virtue, or at least a mildly effective coping mechanism.

We don’t do bulk. We don’t do waste. We do exactly what’s needed, when it’s needed. Because the planet’s dying and we’d rather not speed things up just to shave off 48 hours.

Thanks for choosing not to contribute to the landfill cult. Your restraint is noted by the gods of late capitalism.